This is how he does it, and I know this to be truth. God gave me a beautiful day that I felt led to write about into the night. I glorified him and basked in the warmth of his Care for me.
This morning I began the day the same way I had begun yesteday’s, thinking I am healing of the terrible grief I feel in my loved one’s absence. I write to those who care about us, to those I am indeed so grateful for. The music plays in the background and I shed a few tears.
Then the idea that the only way I could honor David now is to get my book published as soon as possible is planted into my head and I check my e-mail to see what the agent who has been reviewing my manuscript says. You must understand this; David encouraged this book. In March of 2010, he sat across me at the kitchen table and told me that the New York Times had a front page article on how couponing was the newest extreme sport. He asked me to pull out my old manuscript and begin on it again. I resisted. When I did pull it out, I got excited about it. Through the ups and downs of working on this book, David had been there all the way. He was most definitely “the wind beneath my wings.”
Something I had admired about this agent was that I knew her husband would have a say about acquiring me as a client and I respected that. I had the same relationship with my spouse. He and I were true partners, in every sense of the word. Yet when that e-mail informed me exactly that, my emotions went all over the place. Doubts about the book and myself as a writer assailed me. You will never get this book published, I heard. I panicked. I could barely breathe. My heart raced. I turned to my e-mail, where I knew a daily devotion I had signed up for would be there. It had been every single day since late November. It was not there. I went to Facebook and messaged the woman, asking her if she was still doing the devotions. I confided in her about my fears and doubts. My daughter, who is in the hospital with my grandson, messaged me, “Are you having a bad day?” and I replied in the affirmative, and explained. “It is Satan planting those doubts. He is working in you.” I instantly knew the truth of that statement. I began to calm down.
Has not our Lord been leading me down a path, a path so crystal clear that I even felt a swift stab of fear two weeks ago? The doors that had been opening up to me opened so swifly they were slamming against the wall. I looked over at my husband in the car with me one day and asked, “All these things that are happening, all these opportunities for me; You don’t think God is preparing me to be alone, do you? Because I couldn’t stand that.” My husband assured me he would be there, and I thanked the good Lord Jesus for the support of a loving and proud husband.
A good friend once asked me, “If you believe God led you to write this book, can’t you trust him to get it published in his time?” I reluctantly agreed that God’s timing might be wiser than our own. I am not a patient person. My husband knew this of me and worried over my impatience.
I don’t always know someone to pray with, but I do know others are praying for me. This morning I felt the power in prayer when I turned away from doubt and fear and anxiety and looked evil in the eyes and said, “NO, I will not let you have the satisfaction of winning in this, of using my husband’s death to your advantage and bringing me down; negating the beauty in God’s plan. I WILL glorify him in all things.”