LIVE LOVE, LIVE.

On the way to the doctor’s appointment she mentioned the sign I’d bought. Either someone else had told her about it, or I’d sent her a copy of my blog posting mentioning it. I don’t actually remember, as the days have kind of blurred together recently.

She’d liked the idea of a sign that said so much with that one simple word: LIVE.

In his office, she didn’t come out and ask how long.

Instead, she skirted around the question.

Will I see my February birthday?”

The doctor hesitated only briefly before saying, “You might live until then. Or you might not. Everyone is different and their cancer is different. But you are living today. Concentrate on today. Do the things you want to do. Paint. Talk to your children. See your grandchildren.”

I liked that he remembered that she painted, that she is an artist. She’d decided on radiation of her brain because of how important that brain was to her creativity. She hadn’t wanted to lose that.

Bravely, she’d faced the mask that held her head and shoulders down and the 15 radiation treatments that gave her headaches and made most of her hair fall out. And the fatigue. The numbing, bone-weary fatigue that made something so simple as going to the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee seem overwhelming.  Eating was a chore.

After asking questions and talking to the doctor today, she made the decision against pursuing chemotherapy treatments that would not cure the cancer but perhaps might extend her life a bit, although not in a quality way.

On the way home, she seemed relieved, somehow. The decision was made, and now she could move forward and live. She talked a lot, her tongue loosened by the coffee and love she’d shared with family members at Panera Bread’s outdoor table after the doctor appointment.

She stumbled a little, getting out of the car, and I grabbed ahold of her thin arm, steadying her. I had a brief glimpse of her frailty before she righted herself and walked with dignity to the house.  She wanted to sit outside so I brought a cup of coffee out before hugging her. I could feel tears welling up inside, filling my throat so that my voice caught a little when I told her I needed to get back home, and that I loved her.

Then I left her alone, glancing back once before driving out of the driveway. She turned her head slightly, and waved. I kept the tears at bay until I’d left the driveway, when they coursed down my cheeks freely.

On the drive home I reflected on the doctor’s words.

“Sometimes cancer can be a gift.  You can say the things you want to say, do the things you want to do, and say good-bye to the people you love.”

When I opened my door, there was my LIVE sign, laying against the cabinet, waiting for my husband to paint the entryway.  It was the first time I noticed how the “LIVE” sign also looks as though it spells “LOVE.”

Today my dear mother gave me permission to write about the elephant in the room, the elephant that is my mother’s cancer.

5 thoughts on “LIVE LOVE, LIVE.

  1. Joan Kramer says:

    Oh, Mary, again you have expressed in words emotions I have been dealing with these past weeks ever since Mom first began this difficult journey.
    I too hated to leave Mom today. I wanted to go home with her. I want nothing more than to take care of her, and make all of this “go away”.
    These last few weeks, ever since Mom got her diagnosis, I have felt like I’ve been in limbo. She is never out of my thoughts for very long. I go through the motions of my ordinary life, almost as if I’m on automatic pilot. The only time I feel “real” is when I’m with my family.
    I thank God for all of you, every day. And I know that as long as we have each other, we can help Mom make her final journey.

  2. Debbie G says:

    Mary,
    I cannot express the feelings I have right now…… Know that I love her and that I will keep her and your family in my daily prayers. I just have to smile thru my tears as I think of what an amazing woman she is! Stay strong and know that God is beside her! Hugs to you!

  3. jacki says:

    Mary-
    This was so emotional, I’m in tears. You are an amazingly strong woman to be able to put your mom and her needs first and not break down. I think in life, no matter our age, we “need” our moms. When you wrote that you hugged your mother’s thin arm, I truly just broke down. You make appreciate my own mom so much more. You make the elephant in the room of me loving her so much, yet not knowing how to say it or feeling a bit awkward disappear. I’m so thankful your mom made motherhood important and gave you several siblings. I hope through this awful tragedy, you can all pull together and put any elephants in the room you might have and see the simplicity of what is truly important. To be able to hug your mom and not feel fragility is definitely at the top of the list. My head and heart are here for you. When in Feb is your mom’s bday? I know I want to send her a card….would love to have her address if you think it is fitting, to write to her now too. I want to thank her for giving me a lifelong friend and tell her what her attributes look like from the outside of the end of the day. I’m glad you have your sisters there with you too to “get” this as only a daughter could. Jacki

  4. Fawn says:

    I kept wondering why you were talking about a “LIVE” sign, when all I could see was the word “LOVE”………didn’t see it until today that it says both! Sorry to hear about your mother’s cancer, hoping/praying for the best.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s